Close the Door

There is an indescribable feeling connected to embracing limits and making choices. As an intuitive feeler who has always wanted to be sensitive to the needs of others, I have found it hard to make decisions. I have also struggled with people pleasing and the desire to get the best out of every moment. So much so, that I have not lived a lot of my moments. I can get stuck in my head comparing this moment with others and imagining what could be. Can you relate? Some people call it, FOMO- the fear of missing out. And, it isn’t just a millennial problem.

Many times, our gifts are also our deficits. Many people would describe me as sensitive, adaptable, and flexible. Great things, right? But, the problem is I often don’t know what I think about things. I can help you find your way and listen and support and encourage you to grow. But, I often can’t decide whether to buy an apple or an orange at the store. I’m exaggerating of course but I can almost always see both sides of a story or an issue. This trait has served me well as a counselor, a friend and as an employee. But, I have had a lot of personal agony from “holding” both sides.

This soft stance served me well in Seattle where being polite is a virtue and being politically correct is required. Think of my agony then, when I married a very conservative and quick to make judgments husband. I felt like I was personally responsible for what he thought versus what my co-workers thought about Hillary or Donald Trump for example. Almost like, I could be like Jesus and bridge the gap. There is a lot of pride in that- thinking I am that capable and needed. I never wanted anyone to fight over issues. Imagine how I felt when I realized my now ex- husband loved to debate and loved to make radical judgments about things from gun control to immigration. I felt like singing kumbaya and roasting marshmallows. Can’t we go back to my high school church camp’s inclusive, Prayer and Share time? I love it when everyone is heard and everyone feels loved. In our society right now, everyone wants to say something and yet it seems like no one is listening. For someone like me, it is a good time to be an ostrich and stick my head firmly in the sand.

Yet, there is something I am learning, I am learning that it is okay for me to have an opinion or dare I say it, a judgment or a conviction on an issue. Honestly, I haven’t let myself think my own thoughts and come up on one side or the other for fear of the consequences. My point here is not to share where I have landed on social issues. My point is that it is okay to pray and to consider your own point of view and to say yes to some things and no to others. In fact, it is a very good thing. Once you do that, you actually have the chance to sit with what you think, what you’ve created and just be. You won’t be running to and fro and bouncing from one thing to the next. It is okay to settle on an issue, on a location, on a mate, and on an on.

It is okay to always buy the same brands. It is okay to have routines. It is okay to say no. In a society that is saying, “more, more, more.” It is okay to say back, “No thanks. I’m fine with what I have.” It is okay to be small sometimes. It is okay to have less. It might mean simplifying your closet or watching fewer shows on Netflix. It might mean taking time each day to pray, meditate or read one line of scripture. In a world of deadlines and choice upon choice, it is okay to say no and to mean it and to stick with that answer even in the onslaught of opposition.

What do you think? Do you have similar struggles or something completely different?

Poem to Reflect On Called “Close the Door”

Some endings chosen, others not
New beginnings are now possible
Shake the dust off old dreams
Return to the land of youth

For years, I’ve been way too open
Afraid to make a definite judgment
Concerned with the finality of no
Options equated to freedom and acceptance

In this present moment, yes is limiting
Too many cooks in the kitchen
Too many possibilities in the mind
Too many options for toothpaste

Freedom in less, in the simple
Time to choose and enjoy the fruit
Of tending the seedlings and soil
Sitting in a rocking chair

Moving back and forth in place
Sometimes the best move is to stand still
This incredible becoming
Made possible from shut doors

Rest in being firmly planted in one’s own garden
Squeezed like precious juice from a beet
Bold, red, rich like dirt
Concentrated power drips forth