Good Friday Confession

It is Good Friday and it is time for an honest, raw confession.

Do you ever feel flawed? Or, maybe unlovable? Or, maybe the shaming voice you hear is that there is something deeply wrong with you?

This morning, as I was writing in my journal, I realized I was feeling those things. The circumstances of life can add fuel to the fire of shame that tries to envelop us as humans.

Why would I be feeling these things today? Well, I had some moments of honesty as I was writing in my journal today. I was literally writing a confession to God about how I was REALLY doing. It is not that I don’t have a lot to be thankful for but I was able to get down to the crux of what I was REALLY thinking and feeling. Before fixing it and finding scripture to replace it, I sat with it and this blog emerged – so here goes!

Today, I am feeling lonely with a capital “L”. At 42, I am divorced. I tried to fix it and fix my husband (like that works or that I can do that) and looking back my marriage was terribly hard. He got re-married a few months after our divorce raising questions for me about possible mental instability in him and also questions about my worth. Am I not worthy of honoring? Am I easily replaceable? Not to mention, the thought that I would of course have a baby and now at 42 (even a young looking 42 :), I am not sure that I will be able to.

I don’t feel as close to my family (parents, sister) as I would like to be. And, my sister and I just had a confusing and a little bit painful conflict. I grew up in Indiana but I had been living independently and successfully in Washington State near Seattle for 15 years. So, it has been a humbling experience to move back home to the house I grew up in- literally sleeping in my old bedroom- back in Frankfort, Indiana.

Not to brag, but I have an amazing resume and job experience! Just ask my friends and family, whether I got jobs easily in the past and they would give you a resounding “Yes!” But, literally every career and job opportunity door that I have knocked on in Indiana, so far, has been a shut. Lots of, “we really liked you and would have enjoyed working with you but we had a very competitive applicant pool…yada- yada.” I’m now waiting to hear back from job #10 that I have interviewed for.

Looking at the myriad of my external circumstances, there is actually a pretty compelling case for feeling rejected, shamed, and alone.

As I consider these things and dig a little deeper, I recognize that I also have this drive to be perfect. This perfectionism has been like an old “friend” and an addiction that I haven’t been able to shake off. Some of the beliefs I’ve held are that if I can just be good enough, I will be loved, accepted and not alone. I have a tendency to give my power over to others – even to others who have been dishonoring to the point of being abusive. When I was about eight years old, I have a memory of being mercilessly bullied and teased at school and at home and I remember feeling like I can either allow it and “keep” these “relationships” or I can stand up for myself and be alone. Even at that age, I knew this was a major crossroad. As a counselor, I have had healing from many of these memories but if I’m being honest, it is easy for me to join hands with perfectionism and shame and feel like the only alternative is to allow disrespect to happen because of the fear of being alone.

People who know me, know that I am open and vulnerable and authentic but what they may not know is that I sometimes contort myself like a circus acrobat into the image of who I think I “should” be for the sake of “keeping” relationships. In all that, I can get lost–imagine that?

I’ve sought to be the perfect wife, daughter, sister, friend, employee, child of God– to keep and to earn favor and to be in control. This has turned out to be a crappy way to live. I am now divorced, far away from many of my good friends, unemployed, and not as connected to others as I would like to be. It is easy to feel like I am a loser. That may sound harsh but this is confession time.

Oddly, enough I am at this crossroads again and although there is some external disrespect happening, most of what I am feeling is internal. I am fighting the lies I mentioned at the beginning that ruthlessly tell me: “You are flawed.” “You are not lovable.” “Look what happened to you.” “This is your fault- try harder.”

I’d love to end this blog post with a quote or a scripture or a hope-filled epithet. But, I feel like it is sometimes good to sit in the tension and in the confession.

I will leave you with this… Sunday will be different because the truth is, “He is risen.” Jesus bore ALL for us and although ALL looks black right now, it isn’t the end of the story. Stay tuned…

What is your Good Friday confession?