The Lost Art of Self-Compassion

As a mental health counselor and life coach, I meet with clients regularly who are incredibly mean to themselves. They wouldn’t dare to treat their loved ones with the self-contempt that they hurl at themselves. It isn’t uncommon for them to say things like, “I’m so stupid. I should have known that. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get it together. I’m such a loser.” Much of my job with them is to get them to realize just how mean they are being to themselves and slowly to coach them towards self-compassion.

Self-compassion is something that I have been passionate about lately. As a counselor, I would love it if I could just snap my fingers and help my clients out of their pain. My empathetic heart hurts for them when they look at me and say, “I want to stop doing such and such.” “I don’t know how to move forward etc…” What I’m learning is that I don’t have all the answers for them and that’s okay. Some clients press me and want me to solve their problems. But, what I’m realizing is that if I can teach them to love themselves – the process of transformation goes much more smoothly.

If they are fighting against themselves and at war with who they are – it is very challenging for change to happen. When I see people change, it is usually after they have grieved and are a bit softer. Some of my counseling is teaching people a new way to be with themselves.

This is a lesson I’ve had to learn (and in some ways am still learning) myself. I remember going to counseling for myself 15 years ago and the counselor telling me, “You are so hard on yourself.” Now, as time has passed and I’ve grown, I’m beginning to recognize more quickly in the moment when I’m treating myself harshly. In fact, this past weekend, I went to a Christian Writers Retreat in Chicago. I was struggling massively with Imposter’s Syndrome which Wikipedia defines as:  “a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”

I am a writer but many of the women at this conference have written books, been published, host podcasts and are really rocking the writing thing. I started questioning, “why am I here?” I felt a bit self-conscious when women would ask, “what do you write?” I would say things like, “I write about vulnerability, transition, and the messy middle. I also write really honestly about my struggles.” Somehow I felt like I should be able to say more than that – like I would say it and it felt like my words landed flat.

One thing I noticed, though, was that I was very kind to myself. I went back to my hotel room and I was saying things like this to myself, “You are doing a good job. You are doing the best you can. It’s okay. You are okay. You are loved.” What felt most remarkable was that is felt totally natural to say those things to myself. It was almost as natural as breathing and I mostly believed myself. What I’m saying is that somehow in the course of the last 15 years, I have progressed in the art of self-compassion. And, it has made a huge difference in my life.

When I work with clients on being kind to themselves, it often feels like I should be able to give them more than this tool. Amazingly though, what I’m learning is that if they can get more proficient at this art and skill, they start growing and changing and there is a natural flow to it. I see clients struggle more who continue with the negative self-talk. Granted, many times if someone is stuck in the negative self-talk, there is a reason. Maybe a family member called them “stupid” over and over again. Maybe they have been through traumatic abuse. Maybe they have internalized a message about themselves and it’s deeply lodged. In those cases, I use other therapeutic skills to help them dis-lodge and heal from those limiting beliefs and gremlins that are out-dated and not helpful.

In all of this, I believe that love is the healer. Learning to truly love self and others – without pretense, without lies – with vulnerability and trust – when strides are made towards that – that’s the sweet spot. Being a counselor and a healing agent is hard work but I cherish the work because I know it is good and deeply beautiful work. It is also absolutely necessary in a world that is often very unloving.

I will end with this peace prayer from St. Francis. May we love others and ourselves well today and give ourselves grace whenever we fall short~

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy. 

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive, 
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, 
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.