Bittersweet

It’s been a year and four months since I moved from Washington state back to Indiana. It’s been almost a year and a half since my divorce. I lived in Washington state for 15 years so it was essentially my home for a large portion of my life.

Today I’m flying to Seattle to visit for the first time since I left.  I’m excited but I’m also emotional. Truth be told, I often get a bit anxious before trips. Packing involves a million decisions and it can be overwhelming for me. And, I often feel like I need to clean the bathtub and do all kinds of ridiculous things before I feel peaceful about leaving. Not to mention making sure my pet bunny is taken care of. But, this emotion involves that kind of anxiety but something more mixed in with it.

I am a deep feeler and a deep thinker and what I’m coming to as I reflect on my emotions (which this morning involved crying while packing) is that this trip is full. It is full of anticipation, full of reconnecting with friends, full of memories of the whole area – both positive and negative ones. It may also be full of remembering the losses I experienced when my marriage ended, when I left a job I loved and the place I enjoyed living.

In addition, if you’ve ever left a job or a place and come back to visit, you probably can relate that it is bittersweet experience. I remember visiting workplaces that I used to work at and it is never quite the same to be a visitor as it was to work there. I imagine visiting the university that I worked at and loved and it being great and then, realizing they have jobs to do and feeling a bit on the outside.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to visit my old friends and coworkers and go to places that I miss and get some really good coffee on a rainy day. It sounds truly wonderful.

Another exciting twist in my plans is that I’m dating someone now and he is going to be with me on part of my trip through Washington. I get to show him where I lived and the places I loved like walking through Snohomish by the river. I feel blessed to be journeying back through with someone I really care about and not doing this alone. Yet, it is something different with its own set of emotions.

I guess the theme here is that life changes, people move on without you and you also move on. What happens to the memories and what was once so precious? How do you create new memories? Well, I’m actually excited about all of that. One thing I am learning is that letting go and appreciating what is rather than being fixated on what was – may be the key to enjoying the new moment with old friends. Did you follow that? What I’m saying is being present to life as it is happening emotions and all is how I’m going to live even if it means shedding a tear now and then so that I can embrace all the new and awesome things on the horizon.

What about you- how do you live fully into your beautiful messy middle moments?

Much love, Shelley