Returning and Rest

I just got back from my trip to Washington state. I had much hopeful and anxious anticipation when I was preparing to go. This trip was the first time that I visited the Evergreen State after moving back to the cornfields of Indiana almost a year and a half ago. It was a whirlwind of a trip and I saw many people and did lots of driving through Seattle traffic.

Some highlights from both Washington State and Vancouver, Canada in no particular order: amazing and fluffy waffles in Vancouver, dancing Salsa with Jeremy at Century Ballroom, playing with Liza and Shira’s baby, stopping to see a waterfall, breathing the clean mountain air, walking around Greenlake, eating lunch at the farmer’s market, seeing the “blue house,” singing “I’ll Fly Away” with my old prayer group, going to a healing room for prayer, taking silly pictures with Erica, laughing and reminiscing with Amy and Carissa, hugging my previous and much beloved co-workers, eating amazing food every day and last but not least drinking really good coffee and happily walking in the rain. Ahhh… it was like water for my thirsty soul.

I’m still slowly unpacking my clothes as I also unpack my thoughts and feelings around it all. It was actually better than I imagined it would be and a big part of that is that I got to be there with my sweet boyfriend. I’m accustomed to facing most things alone and this was a wonderfully different experience. Much of my life adventures have started out with me by myself with God and friends too, of course, but I still have lived many seasons of life with a sense of independence.

On this trip, I was able to show my boyfriend things like, “this is where I lived when I was married.” And, he was able to notice my facial expression and pay attention to me as I let out a big sigh while driving away and letting go of that life with those particular memories. It is lovely to have someone choose to witness your life and stand beside you and I felt blessed by his presence.

This trip was also a sweet goodbye to my Pacific Northwest life. When I moved away, I left in a hurry and a mess after my divorce and this time I was able to linger and appreciate what I left behind. At the same time, I know it is not where I’m meant to be right now. So, yes, it was bittersweet but it was truly more sweet than bitter. All I can say is that I’m grateful, extremely grateful.

I also set some intentions before I left. One of them was that I would live in the moment no matter what came up for me – emotionally, relationship-wise or in any other way. I also chose to consciously put less pressure on myself to perform or be perfect. This is something I have struggled with and this struggle did come up a few times. For example, one evening, I was having an Italian dinner with four of my old co-workers and I was extremely tired – so, I was naturally quiet. I felt frustrated with myself at first because I wanted to be my best Shelley- Self since I didn’t know when I would see them again. I wrestled with that and eventually came to accept that they love me even when I’m tired. It is exhausting to try to be your best self all the time and quite possibly, completely impossible.

I love this verse from Isaiah 30:15: “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.” I’m taking it out of context, I’ll admit that :), but for me there was a sense of returning and rest as I journeyed back to Washington. I feel stronger and more whole than I did when I left in brokenness a year and a half ago. I am trusting more. I am more open to all that life brings. I am just human and it is hard to fully grasp the beauty of moments like these but I do feel like I tasted the yummy edges of that beauty and it was good.

What about you? What are you thankful for? Where have you learned to return, to rest and to trust?

In Gratitude, Shelley