To Love is to Be Vulnerable

I love this quote by C.S. Lewis from the book, “The Four Loves:”

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

To love is to be vulnerable.”

I have always loved this quote and I have been thinking about it recently. I am in a new dating relationship. The first serious one since my marriage ended in divorce. It is fun. It is lovely. And, it is also scary. To open your heart and your life to someone else takes courage. I have recognized lately that as the stakes of our relationship get higher (meaning more of a chance for it to potentially work out long term or conversely, to end), the more vulnerable I feel. There is a very real temptation to “lock it safe in the casket or coffin” of my ability to control.

The phrase “falling in love” has always been interesting language to me. Do you like falling? I, personally, don’t like falling. I used to enjoy roller coasters and the thrill of reaching the threshold/peak of the highest point and letting out a scream as the roller coaster car falls downward. And, I actually do still enjoy that sometimes in controlled doses. But, I don’t particularly like that out-of-control feeling overall. Perhaps it is because I have some anxiety and I like to be able to know things – I like to be able to understand why, how, and when and all the particulars of a matter.

Yet, being or falling in love isn’t like that. There is often a tremendous amount of unknowns that come up. There are considerations – geography, jobs, kids, past experiences and the question of, “can we really make this work well?” Add to that, past hurts and triggers and anyone, even a mature person, can feel destabilized and a bit nuts.

There are many fun things about dating for sure. But, it is incredibly easy to get in my head and spin. This is where my faith in God helps tremendously. I struggle with trusting at times but I do wholeheartedly believe at a deep level that I am loved regardless of the outcome of this relationship. On a deeper level than I used to, I believe in my worth. Yet, I would be lying if I said that I’m not scared. I am afraid of opening my heart and it not working out. I am afraid of hurting someone else. I can get afraid of missing some important clue as to whether we are actually a good fit for one another. I also at times fear making a mistake or heaven forbid, marrying and getting divorced again. I’m not sure my tender heart can handle all of that. But, when I consider the alternative of not opening my heart deeply to others and particularly to someone in an intimate relationship – I don’t want that either.

I write about vulnerability and the messy middle but it does not mean that I always like it. I do, however, believe learning to dance in the messy middle of life when there are risks and unknowns is very important. I want to live in each of these moments fully even if my heart is broken in the end. How about you?

Blessings and Love,

Shelley