It’s Okay to Be Angry
This morning I woke up and I was really angry. I am typically fairly calm and it can take a lot to get me to the point I was at this morning. I was actually storming around the house and praying and cussing at the same time. My right eye was watering non-stop and I could not put make-up on. I was running late. I didn’t sleep well. I know that these are all “first-world problems”- nothing earth shattering. But to me, in that moment, pardon my jargon here- “I was losing my shit!”
It felt like this anger-storm had been coming on for a while now as the dark clouds have been rolling in. Not everyone believes exactly like I do (theology and faith-wise) and that’s totally okay but I believe that God is big enough to handle it when I am angry. My prayers went something like this today, “God, why aren’t you @#$% helping me?” “God, where are you?” “Don’t you care about me?” “Why aren’t you speaking to me?” “Why do you seem to love others more than you do me?” I’m sure it was a sight to behold as I was scream/crying and stomping around.
And, to be honest, I think I needed those moments of raw emotion to come out- like a blister that needed to pop. You see, I’m a good girl- I’m a person who always tips well, smiles, says thank you and please and gives to other people. In life, my motto is: “try and then, try again- harder this time.” And, sometimes – it is literally bone-tiring exhausting to try to measure up in this ever-changing world. In addition to being a good girl, I am an empathetic helper. Meaning, I spend many of my days helping others navigate emotional crises as a counselor and a life coach. Don’t get me wrong, I thrive in this role and feel so blessed and honored to do it. Yet, some days… I don’t want to be professional, I don’t want to shower, I don’t want to be “on,” I don’t want to be wise and helpful. Today was one of those days and yet, I still came in to work. The funny thing is, I told my colleagues… “I don’t look good today and didn’t shower. My makeup is messed up. I am kind of a mess.” And, guess what? They didn’t even notice that I was any different than normal. I also went to Starbucks to get a drink and people were smiling at me and I had this realization that the pressure I put on myself to perform is totally arbitrary. People don’t care if my hair is dirty and my makeup is smudged. They don’t care that I’m imperfect. So, why do I care so much?
This morning, I was actually having a very honest conversation with God and I needed to. I have been frustrated by some big picture things in my life. I still feel frustrated that I went through a divorce. I am agitated when I see other peoples’ photos with perfect looking families and I wonder where I went wrong. I sometimes start believing the lie that God just must not love me as much as ________. I mean, look, the evidence is right there. I have lived as a good girl most of my life and it hasn’t meant that things have been easy for me. In fact, I see the unfairness of those who have not lived what I in my judgmental head space see as “good” lives reaping benefits and blessings. While simultaneously, my “virtuous” efforts seem to fall short of blessing. It’s painful to think about these things and then, I can question, “Is God good and loving to me personally?”
Rather than wrapping this blog post up with a nice tidy ending. I will just say that life is messy and beautiful – it is both. Also, this life we live is a faith journey, not a sight journey. Many things are veiled and don’t make sense and to be honest, that stinks – big-time. Yet, after I get done crying and stomping and railing at God, I dried my tears and put my hair in a lop-sided pony tail and continued on. This is how I choose to walk out my life – with hope – because living any other way does not make sense to me.
Blessings to you in your angry, messy moments too. Love, Shelley