Showing Up As Me
“To Be Yourself in a World that is Constantly Trying to Make You Something Else is the Greatest Accomplishment.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I am a natural “people pleaser”. I have been since I was a little girl. I remember realizing that I could make people laugh or get attention and how great that felt. There are good things about wanting to please others and be accomodating. For the most part, people view me as kind, open, and giving and those things are true. It isn’t like deep down, I am a nasty person. :)
Yet, being a “people pleaser” has it’s drawbacks too. I have lived a lot of my life from the outside - in vs. the inside -out. Meaning, I have spent a lot of years thinking about how others would react to me and tailoring myself to fit that ideal. I have to say, I’m pretty good at it. I can read situations quickly and think about what is needed in that particular situation. Is someone sad? Do we need some fun in that moment? How can I make the situation better? I believe I have gifting in this area and I’m grateful for that. But, the trouble is- I’ve spent a lot of time feeling lost and undecided in my life - as if I’m looking for an external cue that I am on the “right” path. This conscious and unconscious need to be liked has caused me some angst and trouble.
Slowly, over time, as I have gotten older- I have learned to listen to my own voice but it is a battle some days. It is often easier to think about what is expected of me and try to strive for that rather than carve out my own path. I have been envious of people who just seem to know themselves from an early age and are so decisive about what they want and don’t want in their lives. My life on the other hand has felt more like trial and error. On, some days, more like a roller coaster. I am very experiential and I want to know what every path feels like. I have a strong adventurous side which is what led me to move from small town Indiana to Seattle, Washington and live there for 15 years.
What I’m realizing lately is that I also sometimes am rebellious. Either I am seeking to conform to an expected path or way of life or I am doing the exact opposite of what is expected of me. I have a love/hate relationship with living life within a defined box. I could psycho-analyze myself more here but the point is- I’m getting tired of all of that.
I’m wanting to live closer to the center of my life rather than at the periphery. For me, God is at the center and my relationship with Him is the sweet spot. A place where I feel free to be me and feel loved and accepted. Although, I know for many people, religion is just another box to either strive to conform to or rebel against. What I’m talking about though is something softer- a place to land after a long and tiring journey.
In this, fear often creeps in with questions of, “If I stop trying to please everyone, will people still like me? Or, worse yet- will they leave me?” I’m not sure of the answer to those questions. People do sadly often love conditionally and over time, some friends and even family can drift away. Yet, it is becoming more and more important to me to be myself instead of some elusive ideal version of me. In my ideal version of me, I would never lose friends. I would never offend anyone. I would have it all and be endlessly loved and accepted. In brutal reality, life changes. People leave. Making choices eliminates other options. The idea that we can have it all is a false one that society feeds us while simultaneously leaves us frazzled and wondering what is wrong with us if we don’t measure up.
I was riding my bike around my new neighborhood in Whitestown, Indiana and I was noticing all the big houses with perfect lawns and I thought to myself, “I don’t want that. I never have.” If I had my ideal home, it would be a quirky, kind of small, cottage with a large front porch and several animals. I don’t have to be like everyone else. If we all try to be the same, isn’t that rather boring?
We do ourselves and those we love a huge dis-service when we talk and act like there is only one way to live life. We are all unique and beautiful creations and there is no one “right” way to do life. Let’s celebrate the diversity of God’s creation rather than being afraid of those who live life completely differently from us. If we are striving for anything, let it be to love more unconditionally rather than with all these stipulations.