It has been almost two years since I have written a blog. That is kind of hard to believe but true! We now have a one year old daughter, Savannah. Lordy, I could write so much about our journey prior to her arrival on March 9, 2024. I could write so much about the first year of her life. In fact, I could write a lot about just what happened today. Life is moving along quickly.
It has been a really hard week actually. Chad and I have not been seeing eye to eye. I have been sick and that has added stress as well. It feels like a lot of things have been building up and today was the day to release. Did you know it is okay to be upset with God? I spent some of the day being very candid about how I was feeling and why to God. I feel like doing so lifted some of the load. You see, I’m one of those people who soldiers on and at times needs a day to let go.
I am fairly convinced I’m a 7 on the Enneagram. Type 7s typically avoid pain and although I don’t do that in many ways; there are times that I avoid the true pain and instead focus on lesser ones or on other peoples problems (as a counselor). Today I let myself feel pain that I have probably been holding onto since Savannah was born or before.
Having her has been absolutely amazing and it has been by far the hardest thing I have done. Becoming a parent is like jumping off the diving board in the deep end of the pool when you are already exhausted. I never knew what self sacrifice really was until miss Savannah smiled her way into our lives. In the sense that her needs are immediate and if I don’t respond it would be dangerous. That kind of being “on call” is crazy. Yet, I never knew the love I’d feel for her as mom would be so powerful either.
Chad and I have been through a tsunami of changes this last year and we sometimes unfortunately give each other our worst not our best. We are trying to grow but honestly (even though I’m a big believer in therapy for obvious reasons), what we need is breakthrough. We need God to break through and help us where we are weak and help us to stop unhealthy patterns that we get in to of trying to win arguments or make each other pay or be responsible for hurts that are actually are own.
Today I just needed to release, to surrender and to emote. I needed to cry and take a bath and remember that I’m human and God is God and God is good even when I don’t understand.
I struggle with over-helping and over giving and then I can get resentful. I love my clients, I love my husband, I love my family, I love Savannah and friends etc… But, once in a while I need to pull back and remember I am not responsible for everyone else. One pattern that I developed in my life and story was giving too much to the point of exhaustion. So, sometimes it is actually wise for me to take a step back and remember- healing is God’s work, loving is God’s work — really everything is God’s work. He sometimes just lets me help out.
I have this Bible verse taped to the inside of my bathroom mirror and I read Jesus’ words from Matthew today and it resonates with this theme:
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:28-30, The Message Translation
Honestly, today I was feeling burned out, exhausted and worn. I did spend more time with him - wrestling, crying out and asking Him to hold me. And, I feel better. I need Him to show me on a regular basis how to walk with him and work with him. I love the idea of “unforced rhythms of grace.” And, of not having anything ill-fitting. I got some clothes recently that actually fit post pregnancy and it is amazing how good it feels to have something fit well! God wants us to feel delighted in! He wants us to live freely and lightly. I don’t know about you but I would like to do just that.
Jesus, please show me how to live in the the lightness that you talk about here instead of self and world inflicted pressure and exhaustion that I often lean towards.