Confessions of a Recovering Codependent

According to good old Wikipedia the definition of codependency is “a dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.”

I have been thinking about this topic a lot lately- as a counselor I see client struggle with these issues. But, more specifically, I have been taking a rugged self-inventory of my own codependent tendencies. It is my hope in that sharing some of my own struggles I can help you (my readers) and also help myself to untangle from these destructive and unhealthy patterns of relating.

I see my codependency tendencies in family of origin relationships and friendships but where they have lately become most glaringly highlighted lately is in romantic relationships. When I was in high school, I dated a guy for three years and even back then, I was trying to “help” him. I encouraged him to go to college. He wasn’t sure if he would go but it seemed like my encouragement for him to pursue his dreams was part of his impetus for going.

Then, I dated a man in grad school who struggled with some emotional issues. I remember helping him write his papers for school so that he wouldn’t fail. I also remember this draw to help him with his emotional problems even before I was trained as a counselor- this deeply ingrained desire to be needed or important because of the help I would or could provide.

I can recall dating a man several years later whom I encouraged to go back to church (because this is something that he did want) and helping him to reconnect with his faith and with that part of himself. I also bought him a Bible and encouraged him to be the man he expressed that he wanted to be.

Most recently in my past marriage, my codependent tendencies were on steroids. There are so many ways that I day in and day out “managed” the relationship and “helped” him. I sought to draw him out and helped him process his emotions about his life and his past struggles. I encouraged and supported him re-connecting with his kids. I encouraged and researched places for him to go back to school because that was a dream of his to get his bachelors and supported him while he went back to school. I encouraged him to have a better relationship with his parents. I worked hard on our relationship every day. I tried to manage all the spiritual and emotional aspects of our lives. I emotionally tried to connect with his kids where I felt there might be a lack. Essentially, I way OVER-FUNCTIONED to the point of utter exhaustion. I set my needs aside and somehow believed that eventually once I helped him, I would be rewarded with what I needed or wanted as well. I would get a turn. I would get chosen, picked, etc… So, until then, I continually set my needs aside. And, the truth is, I never got what I wanted and the relationship ended abruptly. I don’t know how many more years I would have lived in that chaotic codependent frenzy… sadly probably a lot more years. But now, that I’m free from it, I have the chance to really learn from this and be honest- REALLY honest.

So, here’s the truth, I’m tired of over-functioning and living in that codependent lifestyle but it is scary to choose something different. I think I have this fear that if I don’t work hard at relationships and help others – that I will be alone or not chosen. Maybe that is the bottom line- a fear of being alone. Yet, when I consider the alternative, being “needed” but not receiving what I need in a relationship – that is not appealing at all anymore. In fact, some brave part of me is rising up where I just don’t want to put up with me being the driving force of a relationship. I can do it- I am a really good counselor, life coach, giver, needs-noticer and anticipater, and an all around “I’ll help you with whatever you need me to do” type of person. But, I am seriously reaching some internal limit that is saying “No- that’s enough! Stop it, Shelley!”

I do want to give to a relationship and be helpful as I think that is part of being a caring person. But, I also truly want a partner who is also doing and has done a rugged self-inventory and is able to care for himself. He doesn’t have to be perfect at all but I would like someone who wants to truly learn about me, help me in ways that mean something to me, and is willing to take risks and go outside of his comfort zone. I feel like at 42, I’m slowly getting a backbone and I’m slowly become aware of my limits and needs. It’s amazing and terrifying at the same time.

I don’t want to be alone forever but if I have to “manage” and “keep” and “maintain” relationships at the cost of my own identity, I would rather be alone. I don’t know if what I’m looking for exists but I do know that I have done a lot of good work in my own life and I didn’t do all of that to have it sucked up by someone who is not willing to do his own heavy-lifting.

This post may sound more harsh than usual and there may be some angry undertones. I’m okay with that. I am tired of these dysfunctional patterns of relating and I am ready for a change. And, I get sad and mad when I see others in the same patterns. There are so many relationships where one person “over-functions” and one person “under-functions” and sadly, I see women in this role more often (though definitely not always). It is like all the good life juice energy gets sucked up by one person who then, says “fill it up again.” How long will I/ or will you keep allowing another person to literally suck the life-blood out before enough is enough?

Blessings and Love, Shelley