To Have Kids or Not To Have Kids

When I was a little girl, I played with baby dolls. I would dress them up and put them in my gramma’s antique baby carriage and go up to family members and say, “Will you watch my baby while I go to the grocery?” I would “go to the grocery” and then, come back and swoop the baby up. I loved it.

Somehow as a teenager, I didn’t babysit very often and because of that as an adult there are times that I hold a baby and I feel self-conscious and wonder, “am I holding this baby right?” Or, the baby will cry and I’ll be just fine with relinquishing the baby back to his/her mom.

Babies… they have been on my mind lately. I have been thinking about kids because at 42, I wonder whether I will still have a child. My life has turned out differently than I imagined it to be but there have been lots of wonderful things too. I have amazing friends and family and a career/calling that I love. Yet, I sometimes feel haunted by the thought of “what if I’ve missed the motherhood boat?” I picture myself standing on a shore watching as this boat slowly fades off into the distance and the sun sets.

The part that is the hardest for me right now is that I am not sure what I want. So many questions bombard me: “Do I just want this because that is what is expected?” “Do I truly want to have a baby for good motives?” “If I don’t have a baby, will I regret it or have a moment later in life of anger or hurt because I don’t have a biological child?”

I’ve written posts about dating being challenging as a middle- aged adult. Well, the kids question makes it doubly hard and challenging. This is because, most of the men whom I meet to potentially date have been married before and are divorced and the majority of them already have kids. So, their desire to start over with a baby in their 40s is often small to non-existent and I don’t blame them in a lot of ways. If I already had a few kids maybe I would not want to begin the kids journey again with someone new.

Not to mention the pressure I put on myself that I should know what I want by now. I have some friends who confidently say, “I don’t want kids” and they seem so at peace about that decision. So, I don’t yet see myself on the “I don’t want kids” boat either. I’m somewhere in between wanting them and not wanting them – I’m in the tension of the decision. So, to continue the metaphor, I watch as the boats drift away wondering whether I’ve missed something that most people my age have figured out.

I love being an aunt and perhaps, being with my niece and nephew is when I think about my desire for children the most. They look kind of like me and we goof off and I love seeing grow. I consider how it’d be fun to share the motherhood experience with my sister and how I’d like to bless my parents and family by adding more joy to it.

I also tend to be non-traditional in my life in the sense that I sometimes do things in an outside-the-box way. For example, I decided to move to Seattle to go to grad school not really knowing anyone there. I am someone who doesn’t mind trying out new things. So, I have thought, “what if my path is different than others” and maybe that is perfectly acceptable too.

I was a stepmom for a few years when I was married before and I liked a lot of things about it. But, there were things that were hard. For example, as a stepmom, I was never mom. I was a supportive adult in their lives but I also felt on the outside of the family system. I actually went to a stepmom support group for a while in Washington because I felt like I needed to be with other women who were experiencing that reality as well.

I have been praying lately that God would make it clear to me the path he has for me regarding motherhood. I feel more open than I have in the past to my story being different than I had imagined it to be.

What does surrender look like for me as I consider being a mom? Well, I’ll just say it… I’m open to whatever God has for me including: having a biological child, adopting, fostering, being a stepmom, or not having children at all. I also love animals so maybe I’ll be the infamous “crazy cat lady” or have a small hobby farm. At this point, I don’t know and that is hard.

The not knowing is what makes me feel like crying because what if I stay in the not knowing for so long that I miss out on something good? I guess I have to sit in this tension until it becomes clear- ugh. Perhaps I will listen to the words of this Rilke quote which I love:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And, the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” –Rainer Maria Rilke

My hope it that it isn’t some distant day that I live into the answers but nevertheless, I’m going to try to be patient with the questions in my own heart. I hope that you feel permission to do the same.

Hugs, Blessings, and Love, Shelley