Adventures/Mis-Adventures of Dating

Dating… that word. It can conjure up fun thoughts or terror, depending on my mood.  So, now that time has passed from my divorce, I’m open to dating again. It is challenging and in some ways, being a Christian, seems like it possibly makes it harder.

I want to have integrity. I want to do a better job than I have in the past. And, I actually want to have fun. That may sound odd depending on your personal beliefs but it is something I have been thinking about.

Here’s a brief review of my dating history- I started dating a boy my sophomore year of high school and we got fairly serious (you know… class ring with nail polish on it type of serious). We actually dated exclusively for three years until the summer after I graduated high school. Looking back now, I have some regret that I got so serious with someone in high school. I kind of wish I let myself be young and carefree.

Then, I broke up with him and went to college at a large university where I dated a little bit but mostly, I got involved in a campus ministry and I focused a lot on growing my faith, leading bible studies, taking mission trips, and enjoying school. Dating during that time was permeated with thoughts from the book, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” (a very conservative view of dating as courtship only). So, I think I felt pressure to date in a godly way and thus, I didn’t date too much. I did date a few amazing Christian men but I didn’t feel ready to marry for some reason.

After college, I lived in Bloomington, Indiana for a while and had some amazing guy friends. We didn’t date each other and it was awesome just to get to know guys as brothers in community.

Then, I moved to Seattle, and something about being so far from home coupled with starting an intense mental health therapy graduate program, led me into an even more intense dating relationship that was very unhealthy. I tried to help him in a codependent way as he was very depressed and not doing extremely well in the counseling program. Eventually that relationship ended in a dramatic way.

After that, I had great single friends and community in Seattle and the piercing desire to be with someone ebbed and flowed and I would date occasionally. In Seattle, though, I often dated men who were spiritual but their faith wasn’t as important to them as it was to me.

I even have one memory of joining a match-making service for a few months in my early thirties where you actually go in and they take glamour shots of you and a video. Then, you can go in and visit the “library” of available men to talk to. It is kind of crazy to think of that as it was the era right before online dating become such a thing.

I also have some regrets about the dating I did in Seattle. At times, putting myself in unsafe situations or dating men I knew in my gut were absolutely not right for me. I also learned how to dance salsa and that was a fun way to meet people and just enjoy dancing, music and the community.

Several years later, I met my ex-husband on an airplane. We were both flying from Salt Lake City, Utah back to Seattle, Washington. It all started with our seat belts being tangled up and introductions which led to conversations about books and an interesting conversation with our other seatmate who had written a sensual poem to a girl he was visiting in Seattle. He asked if he could share it with us and we said yes. This led to a “sharing time” on the plane where I shared one of my poems about God and relationships. All in all, this was a memorable flight. After that meeting, my ex and I began a relationship. Looking back now, I see red flags and the biggest one was how I wanted to help him. One flaw in me in dating has been that I see the potential in people and gravitate towards that optimistically and sometimes, ignore the reality of the brokenness. When we got married, it did not go well and I would have stuck it out but he didn’t want to.

So, after dating him for two years and being married three years, including being a stepmom for that time period, I’m back in the town I grew up in feeling ready to date again. This begs the question, what does dating look like at 42 versus at 16? And now, meeting people online is a thing.

Lately, I’ve been testing out the waters of the dating world. I am not a “player” nor do I want to be. But, I have really been considering the question, “Can dating be fun?” In the sense that at its core, it is meeting other people and seeing how you click or don’t click and maybe that could be enjoyable?

The problem is that it ceases to be fun when one of the other of you gets hurt. Also, with online dating, do you talk to multiple people at a time or do you focus on one at a time? It kind of oddly reminds me of eating at a buffet. Do you focus on one dish at a time or do you sample everything? Maybe that is a poor analogy but you get the picture.

The reality is, by trying out dating sites like Eharmony and Christian Mingle, I am learning. I am learning about myself. I am learning about men and the varied personalities and interests of some of the men. I am considering what I personally want. And, the hardest thing for me is that occasionally, I see my own issues and fear pop up. Ugh. That’s not my favorite part.

One thing I am learning about myself is that maybe due to personality, my childhood, or how my ex left, I struggle with the fear of opening my heart up and being left. Or, the worry of being duped or charmed into something that isn’t a good relationship. Neither is a good option. I have to say with this day and age of technology, you have to have a heart of steel to be able to handle the ups and downs of texting, messaging and swiping of pictures. How do we not take it personally when someone disappears from a conversation thread or never responds back?

I have tried to pray, be wise, be kind, and be open as I embark on this dating adventure/mis-adventure and yet, it is still scary. Also, everyone has an opinion when it comes to dating but maybe it is better to have compassion. Most people who are being vulnerable enough to step out and risk need our admiration and prayers not our criticism.

Best wishes and love especially to all my single brothers and sisters out there. Blessings and Hugs, Shelley