A Complicated Mother’s Day

A new friend said to me today that he was thinking about me  this day and I knew what he meant. He meant because it is Mother’s Day and I am not a mom in the traditional sense. I did not physically birth a child. It is odd- I always thought I would have a baby and I always thought there was plenty of time but now that I am past 40 – it is uncertain.

I have such mixed feelings about Mother’s Day. I absolutely love that there is a day set aside to honor mothers! I very much want to celebrate and give respect and heartfelt thanks to all the mothers out there. I have had many beautiful women bless me in a nurturing way throughout my life-from my family, to mentors and friends. Therefore, this post is meant in no disrespect.

Yet, it is hard to not have a twinge of sadness, not only for my own story but as I consider other women who have wanted to have children from their own womb but haven’t been able to for any reason. I have also had conversations in the past with some amazing single women as they are approaching or beyond 40 – who would make excellent mothers. Sometimes the conversation is full of lament and at other times, I see panic in their eyes with the thought of their desire to have a baby and the real possibility of not having the option any more. It is hard to talk about this- but that does not make it any less real.

I have memories of being a little girl and playing with baby dolls. My gramma had an old-fashioned buggy and I would dress up dolls and put them in the buggy and push them around her house. I remember walking up to relatives and saying, “Can you watch my baby, I need to go the grocery” and then, “leaving” for a while only to “return” to lovingly pick up my baby. For as long as I can remember I have liked to nurture things.

As mom to my pet bunny, “Charlotte” and pet cat, “Zella,” I have sought to nurture and love on them. You might catch me saying to my bunny, “You are the best bunny in the world.” Or, to my kitty, “You are the best kitty in the world.” I may be biased. As rescues of sorts, I have enjoyed giving them both a home and loving on them.

I also have memories of leading a group of eight girls for three years in a Bible Study at Indiana University. I helped them acclimate to the university and I would take them to the grocery, listen and talk with them, and generally try to mentor them. I have sought to nurture other people as a friend and also as a counselor. I enjoy nurturing pretty much everything (except- I struggle with house plants).

I also was a stepmom for a while to three great kids. Being a stepmom is a challenging role because it is an “in between role”. You are (hopefully) a nurturing figure but you also are not mom. Yet, I tried, as best I could, to pour myself into that tension and support the kids.

So, as I got up and got ready for church today, I had a small amount of dread. I have been in many church services on Mother’s Day where traditional mothers are honored and those of us who aren’t seem to be pushed aside with no mention. I was pleasantly surprised when the pastor spoke of nurturing in many different forms beyond role and even gender.

So, just know, women who are struggling with this day- I am thinking about you and praying for you.

I love this Bible verse because I believe that God understands our innate need to nurture and carry a baby and he offers this promise:

Isaiah 54:1 (Passion translation)

“Sing with joy you childless women who never gave birth to children. Break into shouts of joy, you women who never had birth pains. There will be more children of women who have been deserted than there are children of married women,”

The whole chapter in Isaiah is amazing but I believe it is a mystery how God cares about our complex situations and our unique grief.  If you resonate with these words, know that you are loved on this Mother’s Day!