Aging and the Middle Place

This past year has been one for the books for my whole family. My parents have both had surgeries and illnesses. This past fall, I helped my mom through a planned hip surgery, my dad through an unplanned illness and also double knee replacement surgery. I have to say that it is a weird feeling to become a caregiver (even if temporarily) for your parents. This role reversal is not easy and there is no rule-book for how to manage the feelings, frustrations, and occasionally fears that creep up. Even though I’m a person of faith, having parents age is so challenging on many levels.

This fall, there was a moment where I was telling my dad to go back to bed and get some rest (because he kept getting up all night and I was afraid he would fall) and I will admit that I was bossing him around. He replied back, “This is my house.” And, I got sassy and responded, “Yes, but in this moment- I am in charge.” The truth is that it is his house but there was a time period where I literally was tucking my parents into bed or helping them dress because they needed it.

As I’m writing this, my parents are both going through some other health challenges. They are in Florida and I’m in Indiana and although my sister is with them, they are on my mind. I feel out of control when I think about them aging and eventually dying (I pray that the dying part is years from now). I don’t feel ready for any of that and are we ever ready for that?

How did this happen? I was thinking today that maybe I am middle-aged- I don’t even like the sound that – middle-aged… Yet, the truth is I do feel like I’m in the middle. I’m not a hot, young chickadee but I’m also not an old hen. (LOL) I’m not so old that I’m out of fashion completely or unable to do the fun things that I still like to do. I’m at the age where I am sometimes still asked for my ID when I buy alcohol at a restaurant but I also am beginning to wear bifocals (progressives to be exact). It is a confusing age. This last year, I’ve found more white hairs on my head and noticed I take things a little slower. Yet, I still am active and like to bike, dance, and live a fairly full life. This middle place is perplexing. I don’t know whether to keep moving forward at a break-neck pace like I always have or curl up to take another nap.

Perhaps, there is a way to do this middle-place with grace and strength and maybe that’s why I’m writing – to find it. This is another place where there is some grieving. I could easily cry thinking about my parents, knowing how they are struggling with their own aging and limitations. I could also shed tears thinking about how I want them to be strong and healthy and (selfishly) available for me for many more years. I wish I could ensure that everything works out perfectly, yet I can’t.

What I can do is pray and that I do on a regular basis for my families’ health, protection, and healing. Maybe that is enough even though it feels like it isn’t at all.

This middle season that I am in has been a place of beginning to accept that I have some limitations – maybe I can’t do quite a much as I did 10 years ago. There is discomfort in being in the in between but I’m finding the best way to handle it is to accept it, take a deep breath and move through it – even if its at a slower and more deliberate pace. I also hope to do more laughing and less taking myself seriously.

Prayer: God, please grant me wisdom and peace in my middle places. Please grant my readers wisdom and peace as they navigate their middle seasons as well.