Anxiety and Bravery
Anxiety…. ugh.
The past few weeks, I’ve felt a low level anxiety creeping in. Maybe it is a combination of convergences in my life. I was in a season where I felt sheltered from many things. I wasn’t working, I was attending a ministry school and I had lots of time to reflect, write, paint furniture and be without a firm schedule if I wanted to be.
Now, I have a job doing clinical counseling which I am trained in and familiar with but I hadn’t been doing that exact type of position for several years. Also, my parents have had some health problems and I’ve been concerned about them. Plus, one or both of them will probably come back home to Frankfort soon (where I’ve been living in their home). So, my warm, insulated bubble is being popped- by many sharp objects coming in different directions and at different speeds. Last night, I went to a gathering for a new church that I may start attending and it was wonderful but it is also new. In addition, I am starting to date again after my divorce and that brings up excitement and occasional fear. I’m also going on a mission trip to Honduras in 19 days and I don’t feel ready – I need to begin thinking about packing and shopping for the trip but I would rather doddle around.
None of these things are bad and I’m not complaining and in fact, many of them are very exciting! Yet, I’ve realized about myself that even when exciting things happen- I can feel a low level of anxiety. It sometimes is like an undercurrent of panic with the theme of “what if none of this works out?” “what if I put my heart into these things and they all turn to poo poo.” I wanted to use a stronger word there- so, you can fill in the blank with what phrase works for you.
If I were to try to describe the anxiety in words, for me… it is like the walls start closing in around me and I start feeling pressure and constriction. These walls make it harder to breathe, harder to rest, harder to enjoy the moment. Unfortunately for me, anxiety runs strongly in my family. So, I have felt the pull towards anxiety, panic and obsessiveness for a long time. Almost like, if I quit swimming against the current, I’d fall into it – like anxiety is equally as familiar for me as peace.
Yet, I have fought it. Some of the ways I have fought it have been by giving it to God and asking for His good healing and deep peace – which is likely the best way I have found. Other ways have been, to-do lists, humor, natural supplements, exercise and counseling.
One thing that often starts happening for me when I know I am feeling twinges of anxiety is that I start to seek for ways to find a sense of control – mostly over myself and my schedule but occasionally over others. In reality, sometimes I am anxious about something that I actually have a measure of “control” over. I can start packing for my trip. I can get more organized when the chaos around me starts to pile up.
Nevertheless, some people I know who’ve struggled with anxiety are the bravest people I know because even when their to-do lists are complete and things on the outside look presentable; it is often the internal anxiety that becomes the battleground. Times when I have been proud of myself are those times that I felt the fear lurking at my door and I move forward anyway. Times like when I have risen to the occasion and given a presentation when internally I am feeling afraid. Or, reached out to a new friend when I would rather hide. Gone on a date because I’m excited about it even when the what-ifs start whispering in my ear. Choosing to step up when I would rather run away. What about you? Can you relate? I’m cheering for you as you face down your own fears.
I want to close with a quote from and a link to “The Flying Trapeze” from The Essene Book of Days by Danaan Parry-
(Even though it is about transition times, it is all about moving forward bravely in the midst of the unknown.)
“I have a sneaking suspicion that the transition zone is the only real thing and the bars are the illusions we dream up to not notice the void. Yes, with all the fear that can accompany transitions, they are still the most vibrant, growth-filled, passionate moments in our lives.”
http://marymorrisseyblog.com/mary-morrissey/the-flying-trapeze-from-the-essene-book-of-days-by-danaan-parry/
Note: it is quite long – but it is worth it
~ Blessings & Love, Shelley