New Heart, Broken Heart

I have this vivid memory with my Gramma Pearson when I was little. She drew this heart on a piece of paper and said, “Each person you love becomes part of your heart.” Together, we were filling in names of those whom we love. It is odd how some memories and lessons are etched in our minds.

As an adult, periodically, I will remember that picture of a heart and think about how those I love or have loved – have held or do hold precious real estate in my heart. Even those, I don’t see as often with the memories of sweet moments together can have an eternal spot.

But, what about when a traumatic break-up of a relationship or a divorce happens? What happens to that prime real estate spot they occupied? This is something that has deep meaning for me in that I was divorced last year. Deep breath, keep writing…

There are so many how-to articles on things like, “How to survive a break-up easily” or “How to move on quickly.” But, is it really that easy? We like to pretend like it is simple but at a heart level – I wonder what happens to that space with their name on it. Maybe we never talk about it again and do the little kid game where if I close my eyes – you aren’t there.

The problem is that, in my view, grief is important. Maybe the tears somehow act as a salve on our hearts and God uses them as ointment over the scar of what once was?

I’m feeling this now because this week, I talked to my ex-husband’s ex-wife (yes, he is now married for the third time) and she thanked me for being kind and good to their kids when I was their stepmom. Yes, I used to be a stepmom for three kids. And, my ex-mother-in-law called yesterday and we talked for a while. And, my ex-step daughter friended me on Facebook. Also, my other ex-step daughter is getting married next Saturday and I won’t be there. Plus, my ex-husband got re-married five months after we were divorced and he’ll be there with his new wife -talk about complicated!

To be honest, I am glad I’m not deeply involved in that chaos any more. I am also super glad to not be married to a man who was often secretive and closed off and still seems to be doing that. I am excited about the new possibilities for my life. So, I’m not mourning any more about the loss of our marriage – to him- in particular.

Yet, I am mourning. This is because, not only was his name etched on my heart- his whole family had a spot on my heart that I opened to them. Some experts might say, “Cut off all communication to the whole family.” To be honest, with the wave of grief that hit me this week–I’m wondering if I should have cut off communication more than I have. Yet, the thing is, many people can be experts until it is their particular life and then, most of the time – we are amateurs, bumbling along hoping not to screw things up too bad.

Knowing myself like I do, I can actually handle a lot of tension and I step into it rather than away from it. I also really like harmony in relationships- likely to an unhealthy level at times. So, there is some grief for me in that loss of a harmonious ending. For example, I left the movie, Avengers: Infinity War, last night with a sense of loss at the completely inharmonious and traumatic ending. 

I would like to tie everything with yellow ribbons and dance around and say, “isn’t everything SO great!” But, there is a loss in divorce and in many break-ups that most of the time never gets resolved. I don’t talk to my ex-boyfriends and I imagine – it is likely – I may never talk to my ex-husband again. Someone whom I said vows to, was intimate with, and took care of his children – we may never speak again. Ugh. The popular song lyrics of Gotye’s song, “Now you’re just somebody that I used to know” ring through my mind.

I also want to tie everything up in that yellow bow because I want to move on and hopefully be married again and very hopefully to someone whom God chooses especially for me as a mate. So, I also sometimes freak out and think,”Shelley, talking to his family means you can’t meet someone new.” “Shelley, you better do this perfectly or you won’t meet someone else.” “Shelley, don’t screw this up again.” As I’m writing those things, I’m realizing they are lies and that the truth is, “I am loved.” “I don’t have to do this perfectly- what is perfect in this situation anyways?” “It is okay to grieve over loss and -in fact- it is super healthy and mature to do so and actually prepares you for your future-so breathe!” Also, if there is anything I need to keep letting go of to make room for a new partner and new family, I will know. The truth is, I’m doing my best, even when it’s messy.

So, I think back to that heart that my Gramma drew for me many years ago now with all the names in it… and I wonder, does grief somehow expand the heart to hold more? Yes, there are places with scar tissue and names marked out but maybe as those places are healed -they expand and provide even more room for authentic love for others? I believe in redemption and in justice- for my story and for yours.

It makes me think of the Bible verse (NIV): “Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5 or the Message translation: “The nights of crying your eyes out give ways to days of laughter.” Truthfully, for me, I believe my own personal dawn is breaking and I’m already feeling the rejoicing! Yet, when I do have moments of sorrow, I try to accept them too. They won’t last forever.