Beyond Prayer: Letting Go

Lately, I’ve been having some crises of faith and some theology shifts. Meaning, I am deeply questioning what I have been believing. I have been thinking about prayer. I was at a women’s group from a local church last week and a woman made a comment about how prayer doesn’t change God’s mind. My first reaction was, “of course it does or of course it can!” You see, I have been very much a believer that we are co-creators with God and that God takes into account our prayers and that we can actually shift the course of our lives through prayer. There are a few examples of such in scripture. So, I was almost offended by this comment. I felt like it went against everything I believe.

Yet, I woke up discouraged this morning about where I am at in my life and about things that I have literally prayed about for 20 years have not happened yet and I thought, “what if those things never happen?” I also thought, “What if God’s will is fixed and not changeable?” I had both terror and relief at that thought. Terror because I like the idea that I have an active part in my life and in my faith. My faith isn’t passive. I wrestle with God, I cry out, I pray for healing for myself, others, and for the clients I serve. In fact, I have been so active that I think I have exhausted myself with the effort. So, the relief was in the thought of, “maybe it is truly not up to me? Maybe I can literally just rest it all in God’s hands.” I don’t mean that flippantly. I am much more like Jacob in the Bible who literally wrestled so hard with God for his blessing and had his hip put out of socket in the process. I don’t give up.

These thoughts may sound like a minor shift in my heart and mind but it is actually a massive shift. What if I just rest with the knowledge that God has plans for me. They may not be what I thought I wanted. My life may look really different than other peoples’ lives. There is some disappointment in that. But, what if I accepted it? I still desire to be married again - this time in a much better marriage. I still desire a sense of family (whether I have a child biologically or not). I still desire to use my gifts and talents extremely well in this world. I desire many things. Yet, I am getting to the end of myself with the demand that these things happen at all or on my timetable.

Much like a child who has had a tantrum and then, the quiet settles in as mom scoops her up, I am letting go. I have been living like my life is 90% my responsibility and 10% on God. I think that is backwards. If God is in control. If God is sovereign. If God has good plans. Then, I can literally trust the entirety of my life and desires into His hands.

I love to pray. I really always have. I remember praying simple prayers as a little girl believing God heard me and cared. I still do. What is shifting though is my demand that things turn out the way that I pictured in my life. I am facing - maybe for the first time- that God has a different plan for me than I had for myself. So, maybe if I stop being mad and discouraged about that and start living into this reality, I will experience the peace that I’ve been looking for all along. There is a simple quote that I really like and it says, “In acceptance there is peace.” - by Amy Carmichael (see poem below). There is a lot of truth to that. It doesn’t mean I don’t have desires and longings because I do but it means that they don’t rule me. I can feel them, grieve them, talk about them and still say, “Thy Will Be Done” and maybe mean it truly for the first time.

Blessings and Love on the Journey, Shelley

“Peace Comes in Accepting His Will”

In acceptance lieth peace.
O my heart be still
Let they restless worries cease
And accept His Will.
Though this test be not by thy choice,
It is His — therefore rejoice.

In His plan there cannot be
Aught to make thee sad
If this is His choice for thee,
Take it and be glad.
Make from it some lovely thing
To the glory of thy King.

Cease from sighs and murmuring,
Sing His loving grace,
This thing means thy furthering
To a wealthy place.
From thy fears He’ll give release
In acceptance lieth peace.

-Hannah Hurnard