Reality is Your Friend

This may be surprising to some of you all but I run from my feelings sometimes. Meaning, I find a million other things to do to keep me occupied in order to not feel pain. I am a very reflective person but I tend to distract myself from deeper feelings at times. You see, I went through a breakup of a dating relationship about 5 or 6 weeks ago. I haven’t wanted to feel that pain and so, for a while- he and I still talked because then, it could almost feel like we were still dating and I didn’t have to face the pain fully. Also, since the breakup, I joined all kinds of groups from exercise groups, to bible study. I filled my schedule with meetings and networking events. At night, I was either gone or binge watching episodes of friends or compulsively planning what’s next in my life. I dove into continuing to develop my business. I also went shopping. Basically, I spent time, money, and effort trying to run away from the pain of losing an important person in my daily life. Sigh…

I mean, it could be worse I suppose- I could have been getting drunk or other addictive things. But, if I’m honest, my frenetic activity has had an addictive quality about it. I have wanted to numb the pain any way possible. For any of you who are interested in the Enneagram, it has made me wonder if I am a seven. Sevens tend to do many things to avoid pain. I’m still trying to figure out my Enneagram number but whether I’m a seven or not, I have had to talk to myself and say, “What are you doing, Shelley?” Because this level of activity is just not sustainable.

So, last night- I could have attended a group social event but I texted my friend and said, I couldn’t go. This morning, I was going to go to an exercise class and I skipped it. I have been making myself stay in the discomfort of my feelings rather that jump up and do a million things. I have a lot to do - chores, tasks and life stuff - but I am choosing instead to mostly just be for a few hours and see what comes up. So far, I have cried twice. Once while journaling this morning (as writing always seems to help me get to my heart) and the other time it was while listening to a James Taylor describe grief in a way that touched me - in his song “Fire and Rain” he says: “I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end. I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought that I'd see you again.” Then, Alexa played the song, “Photograph,” by Ed Sheeran and these lyrics got me too: “Loving can hurt. Loving can hurt sometimes, But it's the only thing. That I know. And when it gets hard. You know it can get hard sometimes. It is the only thing that makes us feel alive.”

So, I laid flat on the floor of my living room listening to the lyrics and crying with my hair in my face and it was probably one of the healthiest things I have done with my feelings this past week. I am a counselor and a life coach and I can really get into other peoples’ stories and by God’s grace, I am able to help them in their healing process. Yet, that is sometimes hard or me to do for myself. I mean, who wants to feel pain? Yet, as I told one of my clients this week, “Reality is your friend.” So often, we as humans try to find ways to escape reality which isn’t bad once in a while but eventually reality catches up to us. And, it is very healthy to face the truth. And, my truth today is that I was really sad.

Sometimes, I can feel like I’m floating through without a tether or an anchor to keep me grounded. One way that I’ve been personally brought back to reality is through tears and the second way is through writing and being incredibly honest. So, that’s what I’m doing because I ultimately want to be healthier and more more mature as a woman.

What about you? Everyone is different but are there ways that you try to avoid pain or loss? What happens when you face it? If you need to talk about your own losses, I’m here for you. I do a free coaching session so you can try it out.

Blessing and Love on this windy and twisty journey we are all on together,

Shelley